Make sure to comment on Peer Review

Make sure to comment on
Peer Review
1. Describe what you see as the writer’s personal and overall purpose for
choosing this subject.
2. Does the draft imply or state a thesis statement/main point/themes, which
are threaded through the draft?
3. Do you find the draft easy to follow? If not, suggest ways in which the
writer may improve the flow of the profile. Do they employ transitions
between main points and paragraphs? Topic sentences and closing
statements for each paragraph?
4. Does the writer include evidence of their claims; for example, anecdotes,
testimonials, facts, etc.
5. How effective are the introduction and conclusion of the draft? What can
the writer do in order to strengthen the impact, increase the scene setting,
or otherwise improve these two sections of the draft? Does the conclusion
leave us with an assertion of the future of this subject?
6. Are there details, reported speech, descriptions, or incidents that the writer
can emphasize? Are there elements, which you think the writer can
remove because they don’t directly contribute to the overarching purpose?
7. Did the writer incorporate images to further portray their subject? Make
suggestions.
8. Are the basic requirements of the assignment met?
Student 1:
On a Journey to Success
If you had to guess, how many people do you think an average human meets in a
lifetime? Experts, scientists, and bloggers have all estimated various numbers
ranging from 10,000 to 80,000 people that you will meet in your life. Regardless of
the actual number, there is no doubting the fact that we encounter a multitude of
people in our lives. In the midst of all the people I have had the pleasure to meet,
one person will forever stand out for the way she persists through life, with
determination to succeed on a journey of self growth, and her name is Teaira Jordan.
Teaira Jordan is a 22 year old, who works as a manager at Jersey Mike’s for a very
affluent man in La Jolla, who treats his employees well and pays quite generously.
She was born in Long Beach, CA in 1999, and since then has lived in numerous
places in the Southern California region. Mainly, though, she grew up in Upland, CA
where her core memories are from her time playing basketball in high school. Now,
she spends most of her time in San Diego working long hours to take care of her
girlfriend who’s studying in college, and their sweet little puppy named Skylar. But it
wasn’t always this sweet, picture-perfect image for Teaira. She didn’t always have
the pleasures of a reliable car, a loving family to come home to, or even a bed to lay
in at night. Teaira’s past was not a walk in the park, and it’s easy to see that her past
endeavors have contributed to her humble, hard working attitude, something that has
gotten her so far in life, and allowed her to be immensely successful in her work life,
but also in her personal life.
“I used to hate Christmas, because that was when my dad left us, and it made me
resent that time of year.” Teaira stated, in reference to memories with her father, who
left her, her brother, and her mother when she was 10 years old. He left on
Christmas, and started a new family and a new life, and she rarely saw him or spoke
to him again. This was truly just the beginning to a series of very unfortunate events
that Teaira has described enduring. Countless times she described being homeless
and having to stay with family members, sleep in the family car, she has memories of
being evicted, and never truly having a stable place to call “home” when she was
younger. But as if her home life couldn’t get any more unstable, it did, when in high
school, her mother and step-father found out she was a lesbian. “She used to yell at
me for hours just because I was talking to a girl, and he would stand there like a
referee who was paid to only help her side. It wasn’t a fair fight.” Teaira recalls the
fights between her parents and her, where she was consistently in trouble, simply for
her sexual preferences. This is only a small snippet of what she experienced in her
youth. Teaira’s past seems like one of those cases where all of the odds are stacked
against you, and it could have been so very easy for her to give up and succumb to
her circumstances. But she didn’t, she fought and fought, and that is what makes her
the most inspiring, astounding, and fearless woman I have ever met.
Her mother, whom she has a better relationship with now, but is still a work in
progress, says, “Teaira and her brother have always been so focused on going after
their goals, and making it happen however they can. She is stubborn, but she is
focused.” Teaira is very future-oriented and maintains a growth-mindset. This is
shown by the ways she practices self-care and how she works to better herself. “I
read a lot of books about patience, mindfulness, teamwork. I just want to forever
push to become the best version of myself. And when I finally get there, I am going
to keep working to become even better than that,” explains Teaira in regards to her
growth mindset. Her self-awareness is phenomenal, and something I have never
seen in a person before, let alone a young adult. She has the capabilities to point out
when she’s in the wrong, and knows how to self-reflect. Her coworkers and boss
both see and appreciate this aspect of her as well. She is a team player at work, and
knows how to lead her team with grace. “She always talks about this ‘journey’ that
she is on, to have more patience, to be a better person. I think it’s great, and I
admire her a lot for that, and for being so open about it,” her boss remarks. Teaira
gives off such an energy that everyone around her wants to work harder, be better,
and become more self-aware. She is the walking, living, breathing example that you
don’t have to let your past hold you back from becoming the person you were
intended to be.
Despite being dealt a pretty crappy hand of cards early in life, Teaira has crafted
herself into a strong, confident, determined young woman who is wildly successful.
She is successful in her work, making significantly more than the average salary in
California, but also in her personal life. She has built herself a happy family, in a
safe, dependable, inviting home. Everything she didn’t have before, she made for
herself. She continues to grow and succeed, and has goals to one day own her own
business, so she can continue to generously provide for her little family that she
hopes to expand soon. Once you know her, it’s not hard to love, admire, and be
inspired by her.
Student 2:
“A diagnosis of Epilepsy changed my life forever”
The individual that I interviewed is my older brother, Jonathan “Johnny “Moreno.
Jonathan is now thirty-two years old. The very first time he had experienced his first
seizure was the day that my life had changed forever. It was a weekday and at the
time Jonathan was in the garage getting a new package of the frozen Kellogg’s
Waffles for breakfast. My other two brothers and I were in the kitchen and all that
was heard was a loud “BOMB” that came from the garage. All I can remember is
seeing Johnny on the floor in the garage, blood oozing down the front of his head.
Next moment he was getting wheeled outside the house in a gurney and taken away.
That day I remember being scared for him, scared that I would never say “I love you”
one more time. I was six years old when I found out what Epilepsy was and from that
point on, I knew that Jonathan will never be the same, his once normal life changed
for the worse. His new lifestyle consists of medication, a large amount of social
anxiety, and not being able to be employed.
Over the course of the past seventeen years, I have awoken many mornings
between the hours of two to six in the morning with the splintering screams of “MOM,
DAD, HELP I AM HAVING A SEIZURE”. As my body goes in autopilot of going into
his room and seeing his body twisting in rigid positions that should not be normal.
His normal tan face is turning to a light white color and his thick lips turning to a lilac
color with a splash of red from the blood he drew from biting so hard. In that moment
is when I know that no matter how much I pester him with taking his medication daily
and ensuring that he gives his head and brain a break from being on the computer it
is not enough to stop those seizure from happening. After being on and off about
four different types of medications nothing is guaranteed to stop the seizures from
coming on. Since he has been having ongoing seizure, his neurologist has told him
repeatedly that he is not allowed to drive until he has “only one seizure in a year” that
day has not happened yet. In addition, Johnny has attempted to apply for jobs since
he has graduated high school yet he is constantly declined since the seizures tend to
happen mostly at nights but there are many occasions where it happens at any time
of the day. After trying to work with our dad, Elias Moreno my dad has decided that
he cannot work in construction with the thought of him having another seizure during
a forklift or when he is about to climb a ladder. Although, his work life is hardly there
he does try to be some sort of assistance whenever he can. Whenever some job or
task is too hard, he asks for help. My boyfriend of five years, John Elia
acknowledges that “even though he cannot work he can do a lot around the house.
He knows how to cope with epilepsy and does not allow that diagnosis define him”
(Elia). Despite the constant wake up calls and ensuring that Johnny is safe while
having a seizure my dad emphasized that “it is not hard living with someone with
Epilepsy nor is it an issue, after time you accept it, and realize that it is part of his
life” (Moreno, E).
At the same time, when I was younger, I remember Jonathan being very
social and very easy-going person for most of my childhood. In recent years I have
realized that Johnny has lost a lot of that ability- the ability to withstand a
conversation with a stranger. When it comes to someone I know or a family friend he
can talk about anything and everything. Especially if that person is into sports just
like Johnny. For example, when he converses with others especially at times when
he must pick up his medication, he tends to fidget his hands a lot, and speaks in a
very loud tone of voice, and there needs to be someone with him. He often discloses
to me how his Epilepsy has made him feel like it is a weakness especially knowing
that he needs to have someone with him when he goes out, he dreams of having the
freedom of driving (Moreno, J). Another thing to point out is that whenever Johnny
just had a seizure, he tends to forget small things that happened recently his time
clock is not always very accurate. It happens in conversations and even memories
that happened not long after. He said that that is one of the biggest struggles since
his first seizure all those years ago- “remembering memories especially current
ones. I want to remember things that happened in my senior year of high school, yet
I can vaguely recall them” (Moreno, J).
Although Epilepsy has made a drastic change in many aspects of Jonathan’s life.
This altering lifestyle now includes a dependency on medication, not being
employed, and high levels of social anxiety. Jonathan tries to strive and work his
hardest to make living with Epilepsy as normal as he possibly can.

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